Evanescent – Russia: Regrets (Glava 1)

You might also remember the phrase “No regrets, they don’t work” from the eponymous Robbie Williams song. I do. But now it’s my personal time to regret and shed tears over the things I did wrong. There are a few things. And there are some among them that are more distressing. All the rest seem less fatal, less painful. I am speaking about the mistakes I made as a mother. Of course, I was neither perfect, nor ideal, like all of us. I know all mothers make mistakes, and this is life. And we all know the road to hell is paved with good intensions.

When I reached my twenties, it happened like the click of a switch – I wanted to have a baby. Never before that moment had I thought about having children, becoming a mom, parenthood or anything related to the subject. I remember I started dreaming of being a mother. My imagination provided me with the nice scenes: I saw myself sitting with a little baby on my knees, kissing and hugging him, looking at him with my eyes full of love and tenderness. I wanted nothing else. That was how I imagined motherhood, me in the future.

But at exactly that time, I had some medical issues that could prevent me from becoming a mother. I suffered horribly from the inability to become pregnant. Everything on Earth seemed senseless to me if I couldn’t become a mother. I really had a hard time trying to comfort myself and find other values beyond biological reproduction. It was despair. Pure. I believe there is much more to pregnancy than just the biological aspect: Giving birth and becoming a mother is something essential for women. I remember how unbearable it was to know that I would never become one. Pain and the inability to change the situation overwhelmed me. I suffered. It took me about two years to calm down and accept it. I remember I was driving through the city center when the idea crossed my mind that I could probably be of some use to this world in some other way. That was the milestone of acceptance, humility and resignation to life, God, my way and my destiny. It was true and came from inside. It wasn’t forced or imposed upon me. It was genuine.

It was also at this time that I was falling in love with… the future father of my child. I was immersed in the relationship, him and me…

I still think that my son is the gift of God to me. I know that there is… love on the other side of the “gift.” I simply fell in love with the father of my son. And I forgot, literally forgot, about being afraid of and waiting for my symptoms to arrive. Just that. I was so involved in the relationship that I forgot and… relaxed. I really enjoyed the time I had, myself, my state and my partner. When we women feel safe, satisfied and relaxed, any of our inner dreams may come true. Any. Believe me. I know what I’m talking about.

(…to be continued…)

Series – Evanescent

January: If Something Can Go Wrong…It Will – Jonay Quintero Hernández (Spain)

February: The Planet of Pleasure – Nane Sevunts (Armine Asryan) (Armenia)

March: Evening with Jackie Chan – Gennady Bondarenko (Ukraine)

April: Vuvuzelas, Walkie-Talkies and Madiba Magic – Sarah-Leah Pimentel (South Africa)

May: Remembering – Seyit Ali Dastan (Turkey)

June: 5-4-3-2-1 – Talia Stotts (America)

July: Getting Ready for Newborns – Marilin Guerrero Casas (Cuba)

August: Regrets – Kate Korneeva (Russia)

September: A Hollow Pursuit – Diana Haidar (Syria)

October: The Test – Alejandra Baccino (Uruguay)

November: A Life Rekindled – Lauren Voaden (United Kingdom)

December: Translation Perfect – Zhang Lu (China)

Special: Catching Water III – Javier Gomez (Argentina)

Background – Context

Transadaptation Volume 2: Conceived – Childhood Transadapted, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2021)

Transadaptation Volume 1: In the Middle – Prelude to a Contemporary Transadaptation, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2020)

Peripatetic Alterity: A Philosophical Treatise on the Spectrum of Being – Romantics and Pragmatists by Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)

La Syncrétion of Polarization and Extremes Transposée, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)

The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2018)

L’anthologie of Global Instability Transpuesta, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2017)

From Wahnsinnig to the Loony Bin: German and Russian Stories Transposed to Modern-day America, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2013)

Emblems and stories on the international community

Perception by country – Transposing emblems, articles, short stories and reports from around the world

Credits

Cover photo: Chelyabinsk, Russia – Night – Valeriy Lushchikov (Shutterstock)
Source: The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed

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