Life after Nare

Nane Sevunts or Armine Asryan

 

Haunted by the past

The new life was promising but attacks from the past were still there. Sometimes Julie’s body would freeze, and bygone scenes would pop up in her mind.

She is sitting in front of a table doing her lessons. She realizes that he is watching her. She turned to the man and saw lust in his eyes. One minute. Two minutes. Three minutes. The man with lust in his gaze and a smile on his face would tell her she shouldn’t live. She has no right to live. She wished she were dead. One minute. Two minutes. Three minutes. She wanted to take the knife and cut the throat of the man with lust in his eyes. But this is not what normal people do. A normal person would turn to him and ask why he was watching. A normal person would do that but not Julie. She was absolutely powerless. She knew that the answer was blood. Her blood or the man’s blood. She wished she were dead.

These scenes from the past would pop up and recede. But even the idea of the man watching her would spoil her day. She had panic attacks of melancholy, and no one would understand why she was isolating herself.

She would sit in front of the window and see herself as an eight- or ten-year old. Total isolation. She lived in a family of five where she was lonely.

There were times when she couldn’t tolerate the crap around her anymore. And she became a beast. A beast for her mom and sisters and stepfather. She would yell out loud. Why would she do that? Nobody understood. She was the evil in the house. But was that true? Was she really the evil? Well, heck, yes. That’s how she was accepted in the family.

And punishment was not far away. Now who was the evil? Who put her in a family where she did not belong?

Nare help, help Nare. And the mystery would come back and calm her down. Nare would tell her stories that nobody else would tell. These stories would teach her bravery and courage for life. These stories gave her life again. Gave her hope for a new beginning.

Stories in idleness

The mosquito

Once upon a time there lived a mosquito. She was a little like a drop of water. She was born as a mosquito. She was a mosquito. The only way she could live was to suck the blood of others. She did not mind doing that and never had a sense of guilt. That was how life was, she thought. You need to suck the blood of others in order to survive.

The little mosquito was surprised that people hated her. She was just doing her job. One night when she had fully satisfied her hunger for blood, she collapse on a pillow and died.

Don’t suck the blood.

Julie was aware of that. She knew she was sucking the blood of others in order to be alive. She knew she was doing that but she couldn’t help it. That was the revenge for a totally unfair environment.

Unlike the mosquito, she had a sense of guilt. After traumatizing her mother, her stepfather and sisters, she would collapse on the bed and cry. She wished she could collapse one day like the little mosquito and die. But that would be too easy for someone that had a long way to go. She did not die and she continued sucking the blood of the others. Was that fair? In a sense it was, but it was also very cruel. It was cruel and fair. Julie was sorry she acted like a beast. A beast that has to satisfy its hunger by sucking blood.

The Lord on a plate

She knew Him. After going down the whole road of life, she finally saw Him as clear as spaghetti on the plate. No more mysteries. No more divine power. The Lord was on a plate. The spices you add depended on her. She knew He had no mercy. She knew he would never help. The question was why? The only answer that could justify his inaction was independence. The Lord did not interfere because she had to find the answers. At times things were really cruel, and she would stand on her knees and cry. “This is unfair!” But the Lord did not interfere. Julie had to find answers on her own.

He had two faces. A merciless manic crank and a divine saint. And she had to live with the idea. She had to live with the Lord that was a maniac by half. She had to swallow the spaghetti on her plate that tasted awful at times. He was everywhere. She saw Him in the merciless rapper and the flagitious criminal. She saw Him in world hatred and unfair treatment. These were all expressions of God, and she had to live with that.

After this annoying discovery, she stopped asking questions. She accepted Him as he was, and a kind of indifference developed in her. She did not care and she stopped her search for justification and honesty. The Lord was the expression of evil in the world. The Lord was the World.

The Little Rabbit

The rabbit was powerless. The other animals knew it. That’s why they bullied her sometimes or, what’s even worse, tried to be generous to her. A dark world was being built inside the rabbit. The demons were growing and growing because the rabbit was totally isolated. She lived with the demons, and naturally the place where she lived was the home of demons – hell. The sarcasm that she harbored towards her own identity fed the demons, and they became stronger and stronger in the rabbit.

Now, the little rabbit – humiliated by the bigger and stronger – became the home for devils. And you know what? She was a little rabbit! She did not mean to harm anyone. Today, she was the home of evil. And who was to answer? Our ideology says it’s that rabbit that could not fight the demons inside. And you know what? She was a little rabbit! She did not mean to harm anyone!

And Julie thought that there was something wrong somewhere. She knew that when she was a child. She knew that when she was a teenager. And now when she lived with the demons inside, she knew that. No, she did not make a pact with the demons. They were taking away her energy and happiness. And all that happened just by itself. There was no one that she could put her finger on and say. You! You caused this. And now free me for life. Give me space. I want to live just like you do.

Conversation with Nare

These stories gave meaning to Julie’s life. There was a lot that motivated Julie to live on. But she had questions that were unanswered and the only being that could give answers to these questions was Nare.

Julie: Please tell me why we need God if He is not there when we need him.

Nare: Oh, you know that better than me. No matter how bad things are, you still have this smidgen of hope. You know that better than anyone. You always have the feeling of hope that does not fade away. And you know what? This hope is connected with an urge to experience the justice that you expect in this life or after this life. You do hope for justice, and all people do. And this urge for better is always connected with God. That’s why we need Him. That’s why even in the worst situations we have a secret feeling that He is going to make it right – in this life or after.

Julie: What do you mean by after?

Nare: Yes, it’s cruel but we all know that not everyone finds satisfaction in the current life. And that’s why we have this belief in life after death. We do hope, and not only you, everyone has the hope that things are going to be right after they die. Isn’t that true? But it isn’t important whether that is true or not. The important thing is to have this belief. It comforts you. It comforts everyone.

Julie: On the one hand I want to die a natural death but on the other I don’t know how to live on.

Nare: The answer is ACCEPTANCE. Don’t fight the past, present or future. Don’t fight anything. Just accept them as they are.

Julie: Easier said than done.

Nare: I know, but once you do that you will put seeds of life into the soil. Accepting the reality in all its forms is the key to life. You do want to live, don’t you?

Julie: I don’t know. There are times when I have a feeling of curiosity. I am just curious how things will develop. Other times, I just don’t want to live.

Nare: Catch the curiosity. Even if nothing major happens, it still means being. Breathing, walking, talking – appreciate them. Appreciate breathing.

Julie: Hell, you think it’s enough that you are breathing????

Nare: I got you. You took my words literally but they mean more than that. If you don’t appreciate little things in your life, big things are not gonna happen. Try it. Even a tomato plant grown on your balcony is worth admiring. YOU put the seeds in the soil, didn’t you? See now it is a big plant. Put seeds in your souls by planting very little things there. These things are different for people. Some people are excited about being curious. Others like to jog in the morning. Well, heck, if you just like to lie on the sofa and make up stories in your mind, that’s you, too! Bring it back to life. You will say “merci” to me as Armenians used to say when they were grateful.

Julie: Where am I going? Why can’t I see light at the end of the tunnel?

Nare: You are desperate, but life always proves that “this will pass, too.” Be patient and you will get through the tunnel.

Meeting in the Park

One day, when Julie was walking in the park, she met an old man. They sat on a bench and were silent for a very long time. Suddenly Julie said:

“Are you happy that you lived such a long life?”

The man did not answer, but the first miracle smile she had ever seen appeared on his face. Finally, he said:

“I did what I could.”

But Julie wanted to know the secret of the miracle she saw in this man. She said:

“If you had the chance, would you return to Planet Earth again?”

The man said:

“I would return as many times as the Lord wants me.”

And then he continued:

“I notice that you have a problem. If you accept my words, they may help you. Tell your story to a candle. Light a candle and tell it everything in your heart.”

Julie was surprised.

“Tell a story to a candle? What do you mean?”

“Just light a candle and tell your story – everything that comes to mind. That will release tension in you and will let you understand what’s what.”

That night Julie lit a candle and sat in front of it. The light spread all over the room and called her to it. Julie started wondering-wandering around in her mind. At first, she was just parroting. Things were repeating in her mind, and she was frustrated. Later she felt released. She released all the junk in her mind, and that gave her a sense of security and calmness. Julie was surprised. The man’s words really worked.

The next day she went to the park to meet the old man, but she did not meet him. She was disappointed and wanted to go when she saw the elderly guy with the miracle smile coming towards her.

“I feel a lot better,” Julie said. “Can you tell me more?”

“Now you need to work with your breath.” He taught her a couple of breathing exercises.

Julie started working with her breath before the candle. Every day. She was persistent. She wanted to save herself. She lost a couple of pounds after the breathing exercises. That was funny because she never thought she would lose weight from breathing exercises. She felt stronger and stronger.

On another day when she met the man, he advised her to pour cold water on herself. Water, air, mind will do wonders, he said.

Julie believed the man. She was sure he had a history behind him. And she persistently did water procedures every day. She did breathing exercises three times a day and in the evening she did the candle miracle. Julie felt more and more strength in her muscles.

One day, when she was in the park, the man told her:

“That’s part of the yoga exercises you are doing. Now you need to strengthen your mind and body, and yoga can help you do that.”

Julie was very grateful. She wanted to give something to the old man but she did not know what. And then she remembered the bracelet with Nare printed on it. She brought the bracelet to the man and said that it was the most precious thing in her life.

The miracle smile spread across his lips again. He put his hand on her shoulder and said:

“Keep it. You deserve it.”

That was the second time that the bracelet came back to Julie.

Julie was getting stronger and stronger. She felt energy coming from the breathing exercises and water procedures. But the candle did the most magic. She felt her mind releasing all the tension and unnecessary thoughts. She put the candle in front of her, about five feet away, and watched it. Thoughts came and went, and she did not have control over them. That made her calm. That made her want to continue to live.

She met the man in the park almost every day and he told her different stories. She was pleased to listen to them and some of them stayed with her.

Amidst the Fears

There was a big hole and she tried to crawl into it. Inside it was dark, and she never knew where she would end up. But a sense of strong desire forced her to step in. Once she gathered all her courage and wanted to go in, a wolfish, tigerish monster rose out of the dark. She was very frightened and sat at the doorstep of the hole and started crying bitterly. Why did she want to go to this world of monsters and wolfish tigerish creatures? She did not know. The next time she would not even dare to step in. One thing she knew well. The monster could not do any harm to her as it was only in her imagination. So, she said to herself. I will go in no matter what. She pushed her way in and did not pay the slightest attention to the monster. The monster became miserable and stepped back. She crawled in the dark and could not see anything. Little by little she started to notice objects, and, once she made her way deeper into the dark, a garden of flowers opened in front of her eyes. There were all kinds of flowers there – lilies, roses, violets, red tulips and lots of wild chamomiles. The girl stood in the flower garden admiring the enormous beauty. Then she sat in the middle of the garden and fell asleep. She enjoyed a deep, deep, healthy sleep, smelling the odor of natural perfume. The dew drops covered her little dress, and grass was her pillow. There she slept in the garden of heaven, and there was no fear in her heart. She became one of the flowers of this garden. And her name is Magnolia. Ever since Magnolias symbolize the feminine side or the In. They have the breath, the courage and the living spirit of a girl who confronted her fears and discovered herself.

Never Give Up

He made one violin after another. Every time he played the string, he could hear some pain, some sorrow. He kept making them, but they only played hatred, sorrow, pain, misery, grief, boredom, lack of joy. He was annoyed. He did not want to hear these. He knew what he wanted was beautiful but did not know what to call it. There were tons of violins filled with grief and sorrow. He wanted to give up. He gave up. There is no way he could build that One. And one day, when he finished his work, he played the string, and the sound rose in the space. And he heard the voice, “This is what I want, my son…” No sorrow, no grief, but a string of music that makes the heart tremble. And he heard the voice, “This is what I want, my son..” The violin played the sound of life, it was a combination of all the past violins in one sound. Everything that he had created so far was in One. And he knew this was his past and present. He knew it was Him. This violin is still a great mystery. The man was Stradivarius.

Lost and Found

Once upon a time there lived a little rabbit. She wanted to build a house where she would be completely comfortable. She dug a hole in the ground and made it as big as possible. Then she brought a lot of grass from the forest and put it in her nice little house. The rabbit sat in her house but she was sad. She looked out and saw the sun smiling and the trees blossoming. She went out of her house and let the air touch her soft body. She finally understood where her real home is. The forest was her home, and the sky was her ceiling. It is there that she felt the freedom and joy of life. She started appreciating what she really had only after digging a hole in the ground. Only after she stayed in a cave of no sunlight did she start appreciating the sun. Sometimes we first appreciate things when we are deprived of them. So it was with the little rabbit.

The Waterfall

A wonderful creature was standing under a big waterfall. The water poured on her head and made her the strongest and the happiest person on earth. She was ONE with the big flow of water composed of thousands of drops.

Each drop told her a story. One of them whispered that she was the most beautiful on earth… and she believed that. One of them whispered that she was stunning… and she believed that. One of them told her that she is going to love this life. Tears rolled down her face… She did not believe that…

Tears poured with the drops of the powerful waterfall and became ONE. Tears of misery and misfortune tumbled down the waterfall. She was crying and telling her story.

Suddenly the water became dirty gray. The waterfall – the Mother of Mothers – became angry.

The waterfall listened to her and then said, “You are going to come to me every year. And every year I will listen to your story. Every year you are going to tell me what you felt and what you have gone through. And if your new story is not better than the previous story, I will dry out.”

Every year she went to the waterfall and told it her story. It was better than the story of the previous year. Every year she cried under the waterfall. But these were tears of gratitude. These were tears of love, of hard work and happiness.

The waterfall listened to the song of her tears and said, “You are like me. I also started from the drop of a tear.”

Julie was happy she could listen to these wonderful stories and she became good friends with the man.