Getting Ready for Newborns

Marilin Guerrero Casas

 

Having a bebé was never a plan for any of my girlfriends, including me − at least not an immediate one. Of course, we wanted to have kids some day in the near futuro. And naturally, we were meant to be mothers and take care of our children. The problema was that we weren’t that prepared. But who really is?

Some of us were already in our thirties, and according to a few estudios that is exactly the right age to start a familia of your own. Yet my girlfriends and I have always enjoyed being single and having time for ourselves: to do the things we love, explore our pasiones, excercise, pursue our career goals, hang out, date on our own terms… We were alone so many times in the past that we have learned to embrace freedom.

However, at the moment, some of us were finally in a relación estable, and that hasn’t stopped us from meeting together and having fun because, despite what others may think. You don’t need to be cut off from your friends once you are married and happy.

Let’s be clear about this. When you have a partner by your side who respects you and loves you no matter what, who is loyal and trusting, caring and hard-working, and who is really willing to do anything for you, OMG what else could you possibly want? Is that not what you have always asked for from a guy? Obviously, your life is going to change somehow and every friend and relative around you just has to accept your choice and be part of your happiness.

Jim and I have been together for almost three years. I finally knew I had met my match. There’s no other persona in the whole world who could understand me, support me and love me more. We barely argue with each other and the sexo… always mind-blowing.

At first, I wasn’t sure about taking a step forward in our relación and living together as a real couple. I had gained some kind of independencia económica that I didn’t need a boy to give me any security or comfort in my life, but somehow he managed to get me out of my ‘’single’’ box and make me realize that there’s nothing wrong with some male compañía and help for a change.

For a long time, Jim and I struggled to find a place of our own. In the meantime, we were living in a rental we could both afford and there we learned to share responsabilidades, build confidence in one another and love our privacidad. Something I hadn’t experienced before. Unfortunately, we got kicked out of the owner’s house and had to start all over again. Looking for an apartment (apartamento) and moving out every six months was exhausting, but we had each other, and that was worth any sacrificio.

Carol was anxious after she heard the news she had longed for since she got married. She was finally getting ready to leave the country and reunite with her husband in the United States. She had waited more than two years for the required papers to travel and start living her marital life. However, it was realmente difícil for her to leave her whole familia behind, her lovely madre and grandma who had taken care of her since she was a little girl, but she knew it was finally time to pursue her dreams.

Jess has been involved in a relación a larga distancia for almost a year, hoping to meet up with her lover again in España. The man she fell in love with was older than her and happened to be married when they met each other for the first time in Cuba. Jess has always liked taking risks and for obvious reasons this relación was more than trouble. Anyway, when Cupido strikes, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Liz has been dating the same guy for more than six months, it wasn’t a big deal for otros but for Liz, it means something… It had been quite a while since she broke up with her last serious romantic partner and, despite all the affairs she had in the meantime, she was really struggling to open up to a new relación. What she found especialmente in this boy we don’t know for sure, but she was truly into him.

Kate was older than the rest of the grupo but she has always managed to fit in. In love matters, she was like our personal shrink. She wasn’t only the more experienced, but also the more understanding one. Though she had her major in arquitectura just like Liz and Jim, she had some talento natural to give advice. Kate had been married so many times in her life, it was super easy for her to comfort us any time we were deceived in love. Now she has settled down with a man younger than her, maybe that’s her secreto to keep her young espíritu. Don’t worry Kate, we won’t reveal it.

Veronica was a very gifted dentista in our city. Well, to tell you the truth, each of my girlfriends was smart enough to stand out from the crowd and that has always made me feel privileged, because we weren’t just elegantes and beautiful, we also had some perspectiva. When we got together at a place, people had to turn around to see each of us because we were all a good catch. You can bet on that.

Anyway, Veronica was also having the time of her life. She was finally happy after so much past deception in love and she was ready to get married and start a familia. I think she was the only one truly sure about taking the step that seemed so difícil for others.

Jim had begun working for hoteles as an artista independiente. He was not only good at drawing proyectos but also at carrying them out. We soon started to notice the resultados of having a job like this, which meant a great oportunidad to save money and buy a house. We were both excited about the idea of having our own place without worrying anymore about being kicked out.

As for me, I had been working in the departamento de marketing of a foreign publishing house for a year and a half and though I wasn’t doing anything related to my English major, I was learning some interesting stuff and making some money. It is disturbingly amazing what you can do on the Internet nowadays. For people who love tecnología and working from home, there’s a whole world of posibilidades.

We could finally make good use of our savings and bought a nice place to live in. We couldn’t deny that we had been luckier than most cubanos who have a hard time trying to build a house or getting the money to buy one. It was a two-bedroom apartamento downtown, which we immediately fell in love with. The view, the layout, the space, the location: just perfecto for us. Now it was time for Jim to remodelar and decorar it the way only arquitectos know how. We couldn’t be any happier.

Carol was amazed by the whole new world she was exploring. From time to time we got to see the pictures of her in different spots all over Miami, Seattle, Las Vegas, San Francisco. She had always loved travelling, and that is something she and her husband were really good at. Relaciónes a larga distancia don’t always work, and Carol had experienced all kinds of emociones negativas while waiting in Cuba. Countless times she thought about her futuro and the posibilidad of giving up on her marriage. But something made her stay strong and find a way through.

Veronica was the first one to get pregnant. Of course the news didn’t surprise any of us. We already knew that a bebé was next on la lista de Verónica. It’s like she had her whole life planned beforehand and it was completely fine to go after one’s dreams.

On the other hand, I was the kind of persona that rarely has a plan to stick to. Most of the time, good things happen in my life unexpectedly, and I’m just thankful for that. So, when I found out about my pregnancy I was a bit confundida and overwhelmed. The idea of being a madre has always scared my girlfriends, but in my case I knew it also meant a risk for my health that I wasn’t sure I was willing to take.

For a long time, los doctores made me believe that Hodgkin’s lymphoma patients weren’t able to have kids until five years after their tratamientos. Bebés could be born with some abnormal characteristics due to chemo and radiotherapy. And as for mothers, they were likely to relapse. Obviously, I didn’t want to put my bebé in danger, nor did I want to go through another rough periodo of hospitales, but everything in medicina is not that exacto.

I began reading some foreign literature related to my disease and pregnancy, and I was surprised when I found out that waiting three years after cancer tratamiento was enough to have a bebé in the U.S. and most European countries. Here in Cuba, doctors were more conservadores and they preferred to stick to what’s written in their books. Yet I heard about some Cuban women also suffering from the same disease who waited less than five years to get pregnant and now they as well as their bebés were okay.

Anyway, when Jim and I went to the hospital for counseling. We listened to all explicaciones médicas and possible risks of continuing my pregnancy. Jim was worried of course, with all this health stuff going on it was very difícil to make a decisión, but I knew he was also willing to be a father. However, the choice was all mine.

Carol had spent several días on whatsapp talking to me. As a close doctora and a friend, it was her responsabilidad to advise me. What turned out to be funny was that she didn’t expect to also be pregnant while she was having this type of conversación with me. El destino was laughing in her face, and she hadn’t even realized.

At first, she didn’t know what to do. It was clear to us that she wanted to enjoy more momentos with her husband before having a bebé. They hadn’t had much time living together as a married couple, since she had been in Cuba for so long waiting for her papers, and now they didn’t even have a whole house for themselves. In the U.S., most Cubanos struggle to find a place of their own, especially when they have just arrived. Anyway, Carol had to learn to live with her parents-in-law, something she wasn’t used to, but was worth trying. There were so many things going on in her head: her familia and amigos in Cuba, no one but her husband to take care of her, no job, no money for herself. Carol had always disliked being dependiente, but this time she knew it was necesario.

I made up my mind before Carol did. I was determined to have my bebé. I thought I was aware of all the consecuencias, but the idea of having a bebé in my arms outweighed any fear. At the beginning, my mamá was terrified. Everyone in my familia was, especially my parents and sister. My mamá had endured so much during my tratamiento that she didn’t want me to suffer a relapse again. It is always shocking for a madre to see how her child is going through a bad time. Somehow, I understood her punto de vista, but in the end she had to aceptar my choice and embrace the little miembro de la familia that was growing inside of me. I knew Jim was also afraid of what might happen, though he hardly mentioned it. We did bond over one thing: We were both excited about the idea of raising a kid. We were finally ready to be padres.

Despite all the inseguridades, Carol decided to continuar her pregnancy. Her husband was also very supportive and eager to be a padre. I’m not sure if it is a trend these days, but I could bet that men are more preparados than women for parenthood. Let’s not spread the word or we could have some controversial issues to discuss.

Kate had been waiting for the right momento to be a madre, at least that was what everyone thought. But the truth was that she was having some problemas de fertilidad. She had been disappointed by los doctores so many times that she had given up trying. Yet, her cheerful personalidad couldn’t be dragged down by the fact that her beloved girlfriends were having bebés. She could take care of them at least. So, Kate was preparing to be our babysitter. We all thank you, Kate. You are going to be a great help.

Sometimes life can be contradictoria e impredecible. While Kate was desesperada to get pregnant, Liz was thinking about having an aborto. If we weren’t sure about being a madre, Liz was even more confundida. Her relación – or whatever she was involved in – wasn’t something stable. The guy had a bad reputación, maybe because of the many women he had dated in the pasado, something Liz was aware of, naturally. Anyway, she was smart enough to handle the situación and even change it, if that was her goal. But the guy was really hard to catch, and Liz needed somebody to push her forward, not back in love. So once you are expecting a child whose padre is not a reliable persona and has no intención of starting a familia with you, la posición becomes very problematic. Some of us were in disagreement, but despite our diferencias we were there to support Liz no matter what.

Jess was the only one free of maternity concerns. It was quite obvio that she was not going to get pregnant any time soon. Dealing with her emociones seemed to be harder than she thought. That’s what usually happens when you are engaged in a relaciónes a larga distancia. The feeling of being alone and betrayed by her boyfriend once more was too much to bear. Her first relación happened to melt away in just the blink of an eye for razones similares and, although Jess had always been strong, she was also frágil when it comes to love.

Then the announcement came: Kate and her husband Mike had some big news. So, everybody gathered that día in the same coffee shop we used to go to every weekend just to hear what they wanted to share with the whole world. Sometimes life can be contradictoria e impredecible because all of a sudden Kate was pregnant and happier than ever. The one thing she had longed for was finally a dream come true. We were all excited for her. So, maybe we had to plan on hiring another persona to babysit our children. Kate was no longer available.

Whether my girlfriends and I were ready to give up our time and freedom to raise our kids, was something we were not sure about, but what we truly knew was that we had each other for support, as well as our husbands and family.

Días, weeks and months went by, and we could only imaginar how our whole life would change from one minute to the next. We got older, married, pregnant and suddenly started talking about labor, diapers and nombres de bebés. The overwhelming situation was not going to disappear so quickly, nor would the depresión or anxiety related to parenthood. The non-stop atención, the need to feed the bebé every couple of hours, the multiple times it woke up in the middle of the night, the lack of sleep, the constant crying… None of us had a real clue about what it meant to be a madre but we were all willing to learn on the fly. After all, that was the curso natural of life.

Getting ready for newborns can be messy and disturbing, but also gives us the chance to connect with our most sensitive self. We will no longer be the same. Our priorities are going to change and sometimes we are going to feel so exhausted that we’re going to doubt whether we made the right decisión. But then we will look around and our bebé’s smile from the crib is going to make us find the strength to continue.

Despite all the hard momentos we may experience, there will also be times of fulfillment that are hard to ignore. The way children grab our hands, their first words, the way they laugh at our jokes or respond to our cuddles, all those little momentos made la diferencia.

From now on, everything we do is going to be for that bebé’s well-being and happiness. There’s not going to be a greater love, a bigger blessing, more satisfacción in our entire life.

Our children are always going to force us to become the better versión of ourselves. They are going to give us the motivación to go to work every single day and be the best profesionales we can because we want them to be proud of us. We have the responsabilidad to teach them good values, how to play the guitarra or make friends: it’s all about helping them find their way in the world. The path can be challenging but also enjoyable.

Anyway, my girlfriends and I had found a new goal to meet in our lives: some by sticking to a plan, others in the most unexpected way. We were all afraid but we still knew that every time we fell apart, we were not alone because we had our newborns by our side.