La Maternidad

Marilin Guerrero Casas

 

Do you usually have everything figured out in your life or do you just enjoy the momento and prefer not to worry about your futuro? Well, in case you are a persona of the I-don’t-have-a-plan type, you would probably get along with my very best friend Jess.

Jess had realized that sometimes plans punch you right in the face. She had discovered it after her “never-happened” wedding, when she was still 18 years old. So, from that momento on, she had a hard time sticking to a plan and trusting men.

However, Jess knew for sure what she wanted in life and went for it, no matter the obstáculos she might find in her path. That’s why her determinación is one of the things I have always admirado the most. She may not have a plan, but at least she has a dirección.

Working in the city’s Psychiatric Hospital was the oportunidad profesional she had longed for since graduating as a psicóloga. So, realizing she had accomplished one of her career goals gave me a sort of satisfacción. She had ended up in the right place at the very exacto time. What she wasn’t aware of was the upcoming sorpresas destiny had preparado for her.

Before that, Jess had earned a living as a massage therapist for more than 4 years and somehow enjoyed that kind of independencia a privado business gives you. She had her own schedule and her own clientes, some of them young and attractivos, some others old enough to want to leave the masaje room inmediatamente. But Jess was impecable at sensing these things and very resourceful. She always managed to escapar embarrassing situaciones in the best posible way. And there was definitely the potential for awkwardness. She could write a book about it and become a bestselling autor in the blink of an eye. I’m going to suggest it to her one of these days. I have heard many hilarious historias in my life, but Jess’ anécdotas as a masajista cracked me up till I was in stitches.

However, the fact that she had majored in psicología made her think thoroughly about her profesional career and futuro. Jess had always liked helping people and she was very good at listening to problemas. Every time one of my girlfriends or I felt somehow depressed, she was there with her counselling and comforting words. Yet, that didn’t change the fact that she acted a bit crazy sometimes, especialmente after her last boyfriend decidió to leave the country and her behind. It had been an entero year since the last time they saw each other and from that momento on, Jess was involved in this exhausting long-distance relación she wasn’t willing to escapar from. So, I guess shrinks are also in need of other shrink friends…

The truth is that everyone around Jess had moved on, including me. We were already married and most of us had our own children, while Jess’s world was sort of stagnating; and what was even worse: she didn’t have any intención at all of starting a familia.

Carol was having the time of her life. She had been happy so many times before but the day she finalmente became a madre surpassed all expectativas. After 9 months of anxious waiting, her daughter had arrived just in time to remind her how challenging and beautiful life could be.

Indeed, la maternidad was challenging. We all discovered it at the same time. I’m still figuring out if it was fate playing cartas or if we are so mágicamente conectadas that we had agreed to have children together in the same exacto year. Our usual gossiping was no longer about fashion and lovers’ fights. Now our kids were the main characters in the soap opera of our lives.

All of a sudden, we were talking about labor, diapers, late nights and bebé food. Our bodies had changed dramatically and our way of thinking as well. Sometimes it was quite difícil to find a balance between the woman we used to be and the madre we had all become. We obviamente missed having time for ourselves: sleeping without any interrupciones, taking that long, warm shower that made us feel completamente relajadas and ready to face anything, going to a restaurante to have a decente meal you longed for, getting ready for that evento social you were invited to two weeks ago… Now, we barely had a minuto to dress properly and wear some makeup. But if we, by any chance, managed to go out of the house without our little bebés, somehow we ended up missing them. That’s the thing about la maternidad. Despite all the pain, crying, fatiga and hard work that came along, we were contradictoriamente happy.

Every weekend, Carol, her husband and bebé Sophia went on a trip across the U.S. to descubrir la naturaleza and visitar places they’d never been to. Sophia enjoyed the sea, the snow, the forest… She was aventurera just like her padre. So, from time to time, Carol was lucky enough to escape monotonía and feel like herself again.

As for the rest, well, we were still living in Cuba – so a road trip with our bebés wasn’t exactamente what we had in mind. Obviously, we wanted to be out and about, but our realidad put car trips beyond our imaginación. Veronica, Kate and I had to be more resourceful when it came to cheating rutina. However, we always managed to gather together at somebody’s place, order some típica Cuban meal (roasted puerco with rice and beans) and talk about how our lives had changed.

Liz hadn’t started a familia either but she, in fact, had moved on. To Mexico – to be more específica. She wasn’t exactamente the kind of woman that ran after a man, so she had decided to finalmente settle down… with herself. The truth was that every time Liz saw an oportunidad to thrive, there she was: chasing her destino.

Jess was thrilled to start work. The Psychiatric Hospital was not precisamente the clean, comfortable facility that you usually see on televisión. The building was old and run-down, just like any other hospital in Cuba. The walls were hardly painted, but there were many green áreas that gave people some kind of hope. Workers were always eager to do their jobs and help the sick, and of course, Jess was among them.

Lisa Cruz, 25 years old, married, diagnosticada as bipolar at the age of 17. Her madre also suffered from being bipolar. After childbirth, Lisa had been experiencing dramatic feelings of sadness, worry, ansiedad and exhaustation, which had interferido with her ability to funcionar and care for her child. Among other clear signs of depresión posparto, she had also claimed to feel desconectada with the bebé and constante guilt about not being a happy madre. She’d been hospitalizada for a month and a half after a crisis depresiva. Now she was taking some antidepressants and mood stabilizers to manage her emociones. She had also started psicoterapia just a few days ago. – That is what Jess learned while reading Lisa’s medical historia.

Jess knew there was a long way ahead before Lisa could recover and have a normal life. Months of terapia, alone and with her familia, were needed so Lisa could overcome the síntomas. Understanding and helping mentally-ill people is not an easy job. But challenge had always motivado Jess and somehow she felt attached to this caso.

“How are you feeling today, Mrs. Cruz? Did you sleep well?” Jess asked cautiously. It was her first time interviewing Lisa and she needed her to open up and trust her as a counsellor.

“I’m a bit tired. I still have trouble falling asleep. Yesterday I woke up 3 to 4 times throughout the night.”

“Don’t worry. Your sleeping hábitos will come back over time. Are you taking your medicamentos?”

“Yes, I am.”

“That’s good. You may believe it’s imposible but if you do everything the doctores tell you to, you will recover sooner than you think. By the way, my name is Jess and I hope we can be friends,” she said, as she grabbed a glass of water that was on the coffee table. Then she continuó…

“So Lisa, tell me about your favoritos hobbies. What do you actually enjoy doing?”

“I love to pintar. When I was a child I used to pintar all the time, even walls. My dad sometimes got upset because all the house’s walls mágicamente became my very best canvas,” she said, laughing. “That was really fun. I had a happy childhood. I went to many arte exhibitions as I grew up. That’s when I realized I wanted to be an artista professional. I enrolled in some importantes painting cursos that gave me the experiencia and práctica to make a living out of it. Now, it’s been a while since the last time I painted. In fact, now it’s even hard to muster up the deseo to do anything.”

“Well, we’re already working on the deseo. Meanwhile keep in mind those happy memories and emociones, so you can come back to them every time you feel sad. Now I want to know more about you. What other actividades do you like to do in your free time?”

“I also love jogging and meeting up with my girlfriends for a coffee. We used to hang out a lot when we were younger. Yet now we barely find the time to make a phone call and ask about each other.”

“That happens. It’s pretty normal to be in a hurry after you marry and have kids, especially when you have a demanding job. But it’s importante to let your friends know that you’re always there for them as they will be there for you. The distancia or ausencia doesn’t matter. What about your married life? Would you like to tell me about it?”

“My husband and I got married when I finished college. He majored in arquitectura just like me.”

“That’s awesome! I have a few friends who are also arquitectos. Maybe you know some of them.”

“What a coincidencia! It’s such a small world. You know, doctora, I’m actually starting to feel comfortable talking to you.”

“That’s great Lisa. I’m glad to hear it,” Jess replied, smiling. She finalmente knew she was doing a good job. “So, are you in love with your husband? Do you consider yourself a happy couple?”

“We were happy, indeed. Of course, we had our problemas matrimoniales, everyone does, I guess, but we realmente enjoyed being together.”

“Why are you talking in pasado? Does it mean you are no longer happy?”

“Let me put it this way. My husband always wanted to have kids and I did too, but maybe it wasn’t the perfecto time. I wasn’t preparade,” – Lisa sighed. “When I got pregnant, we decidimos to keep the bebé although I wasn’t absolutamente sure. However, I was afraid of losing my matrimonio because my husband was so happy to finalmente become a father. Then, when I gave birth to my child, I thought everything was going to change and I would feel better and more enthusiastic about the idea. On the contrario, I felt miserable and I still feel like I’m failing as a madre, all the time. I can’t stand the constante crying. I can’t focus on any task. I get exhausted just holding my bebé in my arms. And that makes me a persona horrible. I feel like I’m disappointing everyone, especialmente my husband and myself.”

“It’s absolutely okey not to know how to handle the pressure that comes with la maternidad. Being a madre is hard. Being a madre is not enough,” Jess replied as she pictured in her mind her girlfriends talking about the same topic again and again. Yet she knew Lisa’s emociones were totalmente diferentes. Lisa was deprimida and mentally ill. Her girlfriends were not.

After her first entrevista with Lisa, Jess was realmente aware of the long road for her paciente to recover. Lisa’s constante feeling of guilt was not going to vanish easily, but Jess was determinada to help her, no matter what.

Several weeks of psicoterapia passed and Lisa was making some progreso. She had her husband’s support as well as her father’s. They had been presentes throughout Lisa’s tratamiento and took care of her child as well.

Jess had a relación especial with Lisa’s father, a tall, blond, good-looking, middle-age man with blue eyes. He was too damn handsome for her to resist. The day Jess met him, she had an inmediato crush on him, but she knew she couldn’t fall for any patient’s relative. It was the hospital’s policy. Besides, Jess was already involved in a relación that may have seemed imposible, but she still had to believe in it.

Jess’s boyfriend was in Spain, far away and without any clear intención of coming soon. She was not capaz of cheating on him but was tired of hiding her emociones from people and even herself. She was grieving, despite her confident apariencia and enthusiastic personalidad. At least she had her job to keep her busy and amused.

Harold was the name of Lisa’s dad. He had lost his wife when Lisa was still in high school. He had fought so hard against her mental illness and her unceasing episodios depresivos, but he wasn’t able to do anything the day she decidió to commit suicidio. He had been burdened with the guilt all these years and now he was awfully afraid that his daughter could end up the same way.  Jess was holding his arm the instante he opened up with her and told her about his deepest fears. She couldn’t help but feel touched by his vulnerabilidad. It had been a long time since she showed simpatía for anyone but her familia and friends.

“Are you spending more time with your bebé, Lisa? What did both of you do yesterday?  And how did you feel about it?” Jess asked, convencida she would hear positivas answers.

“Yes, we spent the whole day together and it felt amazingly good. We played a lot, I fed him, I cleaned him, I slept by his side, I sang a couple of lullabies and I even pinté something for him,” she said enthusiastically.

“Really? What did you paint? I’m curious,” Jess wondered. Figuring out the meaning of that pintura was crucial to understanding if Lisa’s feelings towards her bebé boy had changed for the better.

“It’s a drawing of his little hand in mine.”

“Oh Lisa, I’m so damn happy to hear that. You know, there’s a conexión especial between you and your bebé that you can’t deny in your heart. And that conexión is called maternidad. You will never find a better place to discover that than in your child’s arms and I’m so glad that you finalmente realized it.”

It had been a good day at work. Jess had accomplished her misión as a consejera. Her paciente, after so many psycotherapy sesiones, was getting better. In fact, Lisa had started to show her afecto for her little kid, and her dad couldn’t be more grateful.

Harold had liked Jess from the momento they met but he had decidido to give her time and all the espacio she needed before he actually intended to make a move. Jess was not an easy catch. I can say for sure she was very complicada. But Harold was maduro and old enough (15 years older than Jess, to be precise) to controlar things from a cierta distancia. Lucky for him, he was not as far as Jess’s boyfriend.  But that day something else happened. Harold was so excited about his daughter’s recuperación that he couldn’t hide his emoción and winded up kissing Jess. Before she realized what it meant, Harold had said sorry and left. The kiss lasted but a segundo, yet that segundo was enough for Jess to aceptar that she wanted more.

As usual, Jess got home that night and received the esperada phone call of her beloved boyfriend. What she hadn’t expected at all, was that all of a sudden he would decide to break up with her. Jess was devastated. The guy she had been waiting on for an entero year had broken her heart. She knew they weren’t in the same place as two years ago but she actually hoped to recover him and have a life by his side, either in Cuba or in Spain. However, the waiting was too much to handle, and the love had perished with time.

Jess cried for a whole week. She never told anyone how much pain she was in. She was too proud to admit she had been wrong. But, when it comes to love, who hasn’t? Anyway, she was strong enough to recover and pick up all her pedazos, and though she didn’t ask for it, she knew she had our total support.

Some people say when one door closes, another opens. Maybe that’s just an excusa for them to stay positivos and overcome any decepción or failure in life. Whatever the razón might be, it’s true that when you are no longer able to pursue one oportunidad, you are likely to go after a diferente one. Sometimes el destino can work in your favor because for Jess the new posibilidad ended up being even better than the one before.

She started dating Harold and soon enough he was making plans about their futuro together. It seemed unlikely for a girl like Jess to open up to love again in such an intensa manera but Harold got it into his head to make it happen. And he did…

It was a whole nuevo beginning for Jess. Though she was still afraid, starting over was the best choice after life had knocked her down. She knew she wanted to go ahead. It was necesario for her to forgive herself for every mistake or unsuccessful decisión she had made when things hadn’t gone the way she expected.  She knew it was necesario to leave her pasado behind in order to embrace the new futuro. So she did and it felt damn good to be finalmente happy.

Now she is pregnant and ready to become a madre as well…