Stories of Outcast Souls

by Armine Asryan (Nane Sevunts)

Julie still lives in Armenia. The mountainous country fills her heart with the spirit of her ancestors who have lived in the area for centuries. She has been searching. Searching for meaning. But she has not found it in the outer world.

So, once again she has shouldered her backpack and ascended Mount Hatis to write her story, which I present here.

I am crippled like the other dark souls of this story. But unlike them, I have lived in your world. I have lived in an unequal struggle with the “healthy” spirits. I have lived not to go to the darkness but to find my own corner among the “healthy.” I have lived with pain, at the edge of hopelessness, and with wounds…. But I have lived…

I spent many years like that, crawling, rising, freezing, descending, and finally getting tired of a fight that ceased to be a challenge. It became too much of a challenge. It became the story of a person walking between despair and hope.

And one day, when I was sitting on top of Armenia’s beautiful Mount Hatis, I thought that there must be more to life than this, more than crossroads of despair and hope. I conceived of a place that could be the land of my dreams and saw a light that resembled a yellow-orange fire. What was that light? What could it replace?

Soon, the yellow-orange light was transformed into a cigarette that flickered yellow-orange at its end.

I decided to chase that light. The closer I got, the darker it became. Finally, I entered into the kingdom of darkness. It was wet there. There was mud and damaged wooden pillars on which denatured, outcast creatures leaned. They were moaning and staring at me with big, wide-open eyes. They did not understand what I wanted from them.

Instantly, I realized they were making me aware of a puzzle: either I had to go back to the world of “normal” and “healthy” or I had to stay with souls that were even more denatured and crippled than me.

I chose the “normal,” but I knew that my place was with these “outcasts.” As I stood on the road between the realms, the outcast souls stared at me with wide-open eyes.

To the world of the “normal” I could return on only one condition, however – if all the outcast souls came with me.

And that was accepted.

Only one of them found a job right away. He was a blacksmith.

Others were confused and did not know what to do. We decided to establish a Union of Outcasts. I would defend them and write down their stories. I called them “The Stories of Outcast Souls.”

I am Eve. I was born in a little village in Armenia. I cannot remember when my face was deformed. I remember someone slapping me when I was very small and my face became misshaped as you see.

What would you like to change, Eve? What would you like for yourself?

I would like to have a veil over my face so that people don’t see it. I would feel secure like that and could walk among the “normal.”

What do you dream about, Eve? What should happen to make you feel truly happy?

I dream about “normal” people treating the likes of me as they do everyone else. I want them not to put a mark on the crippled.  The veil would protect me, but if I showed my face, the “normal” people in your world could never look at it without feeling pity, disgust, shame, guilt or something similar. I can feel that directly on my body. Neither the “normal” people on your side nor I myself are ready for me to walk around without a veil.

In my dreams, all crippled people have rights and opportunities equal to those who are “normal.” None of us are ready for that.

Is there any activity, any job that you would like to do, that would be pleasing?

Yes. I have dreamed of being a model since childhood. I want to have a show of outcasts marching down the catwalk in designer clothes. Everyone would see the wonder that is in us. I want to strut before the audience and be proud of myself.

Thank you, Eve! We are so close to your dream. I hope you will have the courage to apply to a company where you can showcase their brand. I am impressed by your vision and believe that you will generate lots of enthusiasm when you take the stage.

 

My name is Haik. I am illiterate. I am one of the people you call down. I cannot read, write or count.

Do you have a dream, Haik? What would you like to do to make yourself happy?

Yes, I have a dream. I want you to see people like me as one of the colors of life. As trees have high and beautiful branches and branches that are low but beautiful in their wholeness, so are we. Others should view us as part of the bigger picture, as part of the miracle.

Thank you, Haik. Yes, it is a shame that pigmy trees are removed from our world. Is there any job you can imagine that would be pleasing and appealing to you?

I would like to learn to make wooden sculptures. I dream about becoming a famous sculptor whose works would be exhibited next to works of other famous artists.

Nice, Haik. You just need a piece of wood to turn your dream into reality. But our society needs maturity to praise the talent in the words behind our work as it did with Rodin.

 

My name is Robert. I have a hump on my back and that’s why I have hidden in the dark world for years. I would like to work as a sailor.  I am fascinated by the ocean and would like to spend most of my life on the ocean.

Dear Robert, we still have a ways to go before your dream can become reality. Yet even today, you can apply to a shipping company and work as a sailor.

 

I am Angin. My tongue was cut when I was a child. That’s why I can’t talk. I am hiding in the dark world so that no one sees me. Today I have entered the world of light and would like to paint. I would like to put all my fantasies on canvas without restraint. I would like to depict myself without a tongue and forgive the person who cut it. I want to paint and forgive.

Dear Angin, you are a talented person and can paint the way you like. Your paintings will be the miracles of this world, and you have the right to be proud of them.

 

I am Nothing. My mom took pride in me, and I did everything not to disappoint her. In fact, I have done everything she wanted and lost my face. I am faceless.

Would you like to do anything to replace the unlived years?

I would like to vanish. I would like to become nothingness. I want… Maybe I would not want anything as always.

If you close your eyes and imagine that miracles can occur, what would they be?

If miracles occur, I would erase the past and write it again in my colors, my thoughts and my aspirations. I have lived with the dreams of others and have created an empty space in my life that nothing can fill in. I would like to turn back time, but I cannot look into the future.

Dear Nothing, take the brush of your life and give it a color. Then dab it with a second and third one until you fill your life with a whole array of them. Only choose the ones that are yours.

I am the most evil one. I would like someone to punish the evil in me so that I feel the pain that I dream about. I want pain, and this pain is not strong enough to satisfy me.

What can replace this pain in the world?

Big love. If I had big love, I would not doubt it; I would replace the pain with love, and my insatiable soul would find peace.

Would you like to do something that resembles that love?

I think only death resembles that love. I don’t know any force other than this love and death. The love I dream about is unattainable for me in this life and your world because I am crippled. I am sorry, but my case is more painful than those with the other souls.

Sometimes I would like to write about dreams that are unattainable for me. I would like to write about a mission that can open doors for many. I will devote myself to writing and will give seeds to the deep sea of love I dream about. I can feel satisfied by doing so.

I am the impatient one. I rushed to be happy and instead I found emptiness. I am an outcast because of my impatience. My body and my dreams are not on the same level.

What could help you not rush?

I don’t know. I’m always in a rush.

What’s your goal?

I want to find peace. My goal is peace, but I never get it.

Is there something you would like to do, something you want to do so desperately that you would not feel time?

My dream is to be a doll-maker. I will create handmade dolls. That I would like to do.

In our world, you can do that and maybe find peace in the process.

I am Nareh. I don’t know why I’m among the outcast souls, but I have lived in the world of the dark for many years. I represent the dreams of these souls all together. The souls of the dark have hidden their dreams in me and keep them secret. They did that because they did not believe it. Because whenever they tried to enter the world of light, that world reacted with pain.

I have my own dream. I would like to live in your world. And now I appeal to you, “healthy people, give us a space in your world! We have something to tell you.”

And then all the outcast souls gathered in one place and brought their dreams with them. Every day was a challenge for them. They were confused and restrained. Then they started all over again. And that is how they found strength. And so, they felt they were part of this world. And more outcast souls will come out of the dark and bring the light with them. They will bring the light that only souls that were tortured can bring.

I am the person who has written down the stories of all outcast souls. I have seen people who carried an unbearable burden that was hard for each of them to overcome. I have seen people that were out of society and hid in secret places. They did not dare to say “I AM.” They did not say that because they would be put down. Because they did not believe….

And only when they finally found the strength to raise their heads and say, “I AM,” looking right into the eyes of “normal people,” only then did the outcast souls turn into the sons and daughters of light and feel themselves to be a part of this world.

And the guilt became a mission, turned into pride, because calling, indifference developed into a passion, and the fantasies into dreams.

 

The village of outcast souls

There is a road leading to one of the mountains in Armenia. You have to walk through bushes and trees to get to it. Few people from the world of the ‘healthy” go there. People tell stories about this village. They say, if you are lucky, you will be accepted in their land and find a life of peace and harmony. But if you don’t accept their rules, your body will burn and turn to ash.

People from the world of the “healthy” try not to talk about this village. Only a few courageous ones make the trip. Some of them never return. They find their place in the village and live with the outcasts till the end of their lives.

There is one precondition to being accepted in this village. You should do what you really like. Simple enough, but many of the “healthy” don’t know what they really want to do. Others who know what they want cannot leave their attachments in the world of “normal people.” Only the lucky and courageous ones enjoy a place in the village.

Those who have been in the village tell us that there is a man sitting under an oak tree and smoking a pipe. The white smoke rises into the air and gives a taste of magic to the village.

They say there is someone to manage all their finances. They know when and how to spend.

Every person has a role in the village. There are doers, decision-makers, executors, dreamers, visionaries, and people of all kinds of professions. They all do what they really like to do.

There is no fighting in this village. The outcast souls created a land of harmony.

How did they manage to do that? What was different in the village of outcasts? How did it separate itself from the rest of the world? After all, these were souls that lived in the dark for a long time. How could they manage to get out of the dark and enjoy life to the hilt?

As the writer of these stories, I interviewed one of the souls on this topic. Here is what he said:

I lived in the dark for a very, very long time. The world was scary. Any time I tried to get out of my secret place, the world responded to me with pain. After a while, I learned to live in the dark. But don’t think that those in the “normal world” did not suffer because of me. I gave them as much pain as they gave me. I was a secret demon that tortured the “normal bodies” and made life unbearable for them. Yes, I was demonic. It was me that was giving pain and suffering to the normal people. It was me that was creating chaos and despair in their lives. Why? Because they never turned to me and never asked me what I really wanted. In fact, I wanted to be accepted the way I was.

I did not meet their standards, and that’s why people turned away from me and pretended I wasn’t there, that I didn’t exist. How insane! I was there and I wanted to be part of their world with my outcast body and mind.

Only after I changed did they let me in. First one or two, then many “normals” would start questioning their lives. What is it that is missing? Why can’t we be happy? And then, only then would they acknowledge me. These courageous people would look into the eyes of pain and go through it themselves. These few would accept me and the many other outcast souls.

Then they would see what I had known, but been too off-kilter to communicate: we have dreams. We have stories to tell. Then these courageous people who spoke with me ceased to be afraid of their own demons. They would stand firm and say, “Yes, you exist.” That is the start of the journey to the land of wonders.

So, if you want to get to the village of outcasts, you should be able to meet your own demons. But that isn’t easy, and I will tell you why. You are too concerned with yourself. You prefer to live the lie than to face the harsh truth about yourself. You blame others, you fight, you hate. Why do you do that? I will tell you why. You need to fight one supervening demon in you which has the mask of pride. Why do I say it has the mask of pride? Because underneath pride there is peace and joy. But first, you have to let go of your pride in order to see the lake of peace and joy. Can you do that? I guess you can if you are here and reading these lines. I guess you also went through the pain and suffering until you said “enough” or “something is wrong.” Until you decided to turn to yourself and say, “I am what I am and I accept myself the way I am.”

If you are reading these lines, it means you made this journey, and I want to accept you in the village of outcasts. Where is it? In Armenia, in the high mountains? Wrong! It’s everywhere! You can find it in an island country like Japan… You can find it in Afghanistan, which is famous for its harsh life and horror stories… You can find it in Australia and Germany…. Anywhere! And you know why? Because the true place of the village of outcasts is the human heart. When you build that village in your heart, life becomes a lot easier and, certainly, peaceful. I don’t mean that you will be happy if you find the village of outcasts but one thing I guarantee – you will be peaceful. You will accept the external world just as you accept your inner world. That’s analytic. If you accept us – the outcast souls that have become demons inside you – you will accept the external world as well. That’s a truth.

So, any time you are unhappy and angry at the world, ask yourself, “Who is that demonic soul that is sitting inside me?” Ask that question and you will soon find the answer.