The Night in Heaven

by Armine Asryan (Nane Sevunts)

Julie walked around a forest in the high mountains of Armenia. The air was fresh, and her lungs enjoyed the oxygen. She was deep in thought. She contemplated the whole time and wanted to figure out her situation. Where am I? Where was I?

She had traveled from being a psychologically imbalanced child to a mature woman who stood on firm ground. Is that all? No! My final goal is enjoyment, her soul cried out to her.

Yes, surviving was not the sole purpose. Living was. So, she sat under a tree, took a pen and paper from her backpack, and started writing. What is it that gives me enjoyment?

The first thing that came to mind was nature. She enjoyed the soaring mountains of the Sisian region. She felt as if she were one of the black ravens flying around. She sensed it in her skin. Being part of nature was what her soul wanted.

The second thing she thought of was freedom. Freedom from what? Freedom from social control, from her family, and from relatives who affected her so much. She imagined herself walking naked in her village where everyone knew each other. She wanted to break the rules. Her soul demanded that, and she was eager to obey.

The third thing that she wanted was peace. Peace of mind. Peace of body. And she felt she was so close to it. While she was sitting on the edge of a rock in the Sisian mountains, the air travelled easily through her body. And there was sacredness. Sacred stillness. Sacred light.

Yes, today I can say that I am ready for life. Me. Sitting high on a rock that has been there for thousands of years, Julie is ready. Finally. She is ready for good and for challenges.

Home, sweet home

Julie lived in a small house located in the southeast of Armenia, in the mountainous region of historic Syunik. She could view the Zangezur mountains right from her window. Her town was situated on the banks of the Vorotan River. She liked walking on the banks of the river in the early morning when you could still feel the rime freezing your feet. She relished climbing Ishkhanasar and Ughtasar. And she valued being alone, just being alone. Surrender to silence was her credo. Surrender to nature was her mascot. After years of fighting with her own self, she had finally reached home – both inside and outside.

It was 2022. The world was in turmoil. She went through a hard time in the pandemic. The coronavirus affected her town as it did the rest of the world. It was very disturbing. But, eventually, they could walk outside without a mask, and life seemed to be returning to what it had been.

Then, in February 2022, Russia invaded Ukraine. She thought that this would not affect her own town, yet that was not the case. Soon a big wave of migration started from Russia to Armenia. Julie began to think about renting out a room in her house to Russian migrants. After all, she did not have much income apart from selling handmade towels, aprons and handkerchiefs. Her neighbor had given her the idea, and she wondered whether it was the right way to continue her life. She would have to become the host of a tenant, and that was a lot of responsibility.

One day, when she was sitting near the River Vorotan, a Russian guy approached her. He asked if she knew anyone who could rent him a house or a room. Julie smiled. Her tenant had come right to her. She took the guy to her house and showed him where he could stay. They agreed on the price and began sharing the space.

At first, nothing major happened. Anatoli was in his room most of the time. He worked remotely and left his room just to eat and run errands. Later he asked if he could also eat with her and pay for the food. So now Julie was not only a host but a cook.

Julie lived her life but had less time to go to the woods or the riverbank. She was kind of annoyed but she understood that she was making money, so she had to give up one thing for another.

Anatoli was a guy in his 30s or 40s. He had short brunette hair and greenish-gray eyes. When he looked at Julie, it seemed to her that he was asking for help.

One evening Julie was sitting on the porch. Anatoli asked if he could join her.

“I like the calmness in your house,” he said. “I feel safe.”

The aura of safety permeated the air. The mountainous air, the flowers in the garden, and even the little bugs told him that he was home.

Soon Julie and Anatoli became good friends. Anatoli was some 10 years younger than Julie, in his late 30s or early 40s. Julie assumed the role of host, but she did not want to get into Anatoli’s space. And that was appreciated.

One day when they were sitting on the porch, Julie asked about his relatives. Anatoli said he did not want to talk about it. And that was the end of it. The topic wasn’t raised again.

Life for Julie continued as normal. She was often hiking and talking to her angels. Like the crazy woman she had always been. She often would sit under the tree and write her thoughts. Here are some excerpts from her diary.

I am

The air smelled of unsmoked cigarettes. There was something unclear in it, a mystery that should be unveiled. It was breathtaking. It was wrapped in a swaddling cloth and had a message for you. I unwrapped the swaddling cloth and found a piece of paper with a note – I am. Nothing else was written there. My hands were shaking. I had a strange feeling that the whole world was inside those two words. Everything else happens there. It is a place that has no name and where life and death exist. That place is not of this world. It is inside of you. Yes, yes, it’s inside of you. My hands were shaking, but my words were understood.

Lost and found

Up to the sky and down to earth. Moving up and down happens all the time, and you have to adapt to it. It’s part of the process. But there is one thing you should know ahead of time. The “lost” and “down” can be as pleasurable as the “up” and “found.” I know it’s hard to accept that, but you can surrender to the “lost” and the “down.” Only that makes your path valuable. Surrender to what is. Let it be. Do not fight or yell at the autumn flu you caught, the cough or the pain in your joints. Just focus for a moment on what is going on. Surrender without complaint, without judgment. Will you? I am here for you, my friend. Identify with the unknown. Listen to the silence behind the pain. Your brain is capable of much more than you can imagine. Behind, well behind the pain, is the silence. Go down the path of pain to reach silence.

The surrender

What can be more beautiful than the jingle of bells in the dark? What can be closer to the heart than the tweeting of birds? I tell you what. The surrender is more important. It’s more important to give in to the jingling of bells and singing of birds. If you refuse, nothing is important. Listen with your heart and you will see miracles like the jingle of bells or the song of birds everywhere. Don’t know how? It’s easy. It requires no effort. You just be.

Turn to me

Turn to me, please turn to me. I am the light. I am the Almighty.

What do you want of me?

I want to regenerate in your body.

Why do you torture me?

To reshape you so that I can fit in.

You are nuts.

October 16, 2022

Oh yes, the Russian guy. He was there and not there.

“Can you help me sew these pants,” he asked.

November 15, 2022

One day Anatoli and I were having lunch together. The mountain air flowed through our nostrils and into our lungs. He looked at me strangely. I was totally embarrassed.

April 10, 2023

Sitting on a bench, I watched him under the evening sun. He was a fairly fit guy, whose greenish-gray eyes sometimes bore deep inside me. He was there, standing and looking toward the Sisian mountaintops. And I was sitting there on the bench. There was confusion and unsettled anxiety. What was that?

August 23, 2023

Listen to my heart, you. Yes, you. Listen to its story. It’s not even a story. It’s a melody. It sings a shy song that hides in the body. Listen to it, and you will feel what I feel. You will feel the essence of being.

August 25, 2023

There are so many miracles happening every day that I cannot count them. These days miracles are happening in my life. I am walking, talking, eating, showering, dancing, singing – but it does not matter what I’m doing. I’m doing it by sensing the touch of the movement. I am doing it by listening to the sound and the silence behind it. The silence of the life underneath. I am happy.

September 21, 2023

The wind danced crazily and played with my hair. And he touched it softly. I trembled but did not look into his eyes. What is going on? It seemed the whole world was painted in new colors. Anatoli was the pink color, the brightest color in the atmosphere.

September 22, 2023

Why is the earth round? Maybe because I want to return to the same place after walking around the whole world. Here is serenity, here is peace. I felt emotionally fulfilled and aroused without even the slightest movement. The mountains, the trees, the bugs, and even the worms were all creating a landscape where I stood amazed. Things were going on, and I did not know where the song starts and ends.

September 23, 2023

Today a deer approached my cottage. It stared right into my eyes. It was scared, but also curious. It felt I was not going to harm it, but it also did not want to move forward. Anatoli watched me and the deer staring at each other. Later, only later, did I see this scene in one of his paintings.

September 24, 2023

I wanted to cry. There was so much emotion inside me that I needed to release. I went to the waterfall and sat near it. And I recalled one of my stories about the falls. It was so true today.

The waterfall

A wonderful creature was standing under a chute pouring into a basin. The water cascaded over her head and made her the strongest and happiest person on earth. She was at one with the flow of the stream composed of thousands of drops.

Each drop told her a story. One of them whispered that she was the most beautiful on earth… & she believed it. One of them whispered that she was stunning… & she believed it. One of them told her that she was going to love this life. Tears rolled down her face… She did not believe it…

Tears flowed with the drops of the powerful waterfall and became one. Tears of misery and misfortune flowed down the chute. She was crying and telling her story.

Suddenly the water became dirty gray. The falls – the Mother of Mothers – became angry.

The waterfall listened to her and then said, “You are going to come to me every year. And every year I will listen to your story. Every year you are going to tell me what you felt and what you have gone through. And if each new story is not better than the previous story, I will dry out.”

Every year she went to the waterfall and told it her story. Each was better than the story of the previous year. Every year she cried under the falls. But these were tears of gratitude. These were tears of love, hard work, and happiness.

The waterfall listened to the song of her tears and said, “You are like me. I also started from a teardrop.”

Yes, I was ready to forgive all the pain I had gone through. But today I had a new challenge. The demon.

The demon

It was late at night, and the demon came to her bedroom as usual. She was not afraid of him anymore. In the beginning, it was frightening. She felt his every touch, and there was nothing immoral in it. He talked to her, whispered words that she would never dare to tell others. When the demon left, she would enjoy a good, healthy sleep until their next meeting. She never knew when he would come. All of his visits were unexpected. They were short, intense and sweet.

But it wasn’t like that at the beginning. There was a sense of guilt, shame and agony that he dared to visit her.

She was helpless. The demon was always on the winning side. His weapon was pleasure. She wanted that… And she was afraid of what she wanted…. She looked forward to their meetings with the promise that she would never listen to the demon. But once he was there, she was powerless. She hated him. She hated him for being stronger. She hated him for killing her innocence. He was merciless and cruel.

As time went on, she got used to him and even accepted him as part of her life. She accepted the demon as if he were her own self. And she didn’t fight… She didn’t fight.

September 25, 2023

Anatoli didn’t like to talk much. He would do something in his room all day. But in the evenings, he would go out and sit in front of the house. Not a single word. I was quiet like a mouse. I hardly dared to breathe, as I thought that I would disturb the serenity in him.

But he also painted. The whole environment inspired him to create art. He never showed me his paintings. Later, only later, did I see myself there. He saw me in this scenario. I never knew that.

September 27, 2023

It was a strange day. I had never seen Anatoli like that. This was the first day I noticed the demon in his eyes. I was scared but it also gave me a sense of pleasure. The pleasure of passion. The energy of passion.

We did not speak much. It was an ordinary day in a sense. I was busy writing, doing chores and walking. He worked in his room and painted some.

In the evening, I said good night and went to my room.

I could not sleep. Then I heard a slight noise. The door opened. I held my breath. I was afraid to breathe. He came to my bed. Then he touched my head, my lips. I think a tear welled out of my eye from pleasure. From the pleasure of his touch. His hands were soft and a little bit wet. He slowly descended onto my bed and undressed me. I liked his touch, his kisses all over my body. And then it happened. He climbed on top of me and entered. The whole world turned to light. The light that I saw through pain: My childhood pain, my adolescent suffering, and all my trauma was forgotten. They were the price for the pleasure that I felt inside. It was worth it. I did not regret going through the path of pain to be who I was now. I had earned Anatoli. I had earned him through the healed trauma, through my courage, through my innocence. I deserved this night in heaven.

The sun that rises nowhere

She bent on her knees begging. Begging for life. Begging for a new beginning. She bent in front of the sun. The sun that rises from nowhere every morning, starting a new life each day. She saw no hope. She went through sleepless nights and idle days that exuded death and powerlessness.

But she tracked the sun that appeared from nowhere and rose high in the sky every day. She stood up. She looked around. She observed the bugs, the butterflies that were doing nothing but living. She studied the old oak near her house that had stood there for ages and never tired. These are my teachers, she thought – the sun, the bug, the butterfly, the oak. They are what they are and they are not shy about being ugly, improper or old. They are stoic.

It stood firm and high in the mountains – the light. The light that was part of the whole scenario. The light that was missing in her life, and it was there now. She saw the light.

The pain that she went through brought her to a place where life was pulsating with pleasure. With the pleasure of a man who was masculine and tough.

Julie bent again. But she did not bend for a beginning. She bent on her knees with gratitude. She bent in front of the sun and thanked it for the new life, for the breath of shameful innocence, for the devil that promised only pleasure.

Thank you, God, for all you did for me.

Thank you for pain, for suffering, for guilt.

Thank you for the hard path that I took with you.

To come to a place, a place that is home.

I am home now, the home of my life.

I am in the arms of nature.

I am in the arms of a man.

I feel peace, calm, and joy.

May all the blessings of the Lord be with people in pain.