When I step out – it´s not as if I´m in prison -, I like to sit back on the porch and pretend that I´m outside, hanging out with friends, and that I am free to do as I please instead of being locked up in here. I know it is for my own well-being, but as I Iook around and see the others, María, staring into the distance; Sofía, driving the nurses insane (ironically) while running around screaming; and Andrea constantly plucking her eyebrows, I feel out of place. I don´t think people understand me. I know I can be a bit too intense sometimes, but I never mean any harm and I have such a rush of emotions sometimes that it is hard to control myself. But, you´ll understand when I tell you the story of why I am here, I´m sure of that.
My mom comes here almost every day, I am so happy. I don´t have many friends left, they don´t understand. But my mom does, and she tells me that everything is going to be OK. She tells me that the right guy is waiting for me and that I will be happy and raise my family. My therapist is really nice too, and she tells me that I shouldn´t depend on someone to make me happy because I will only end up resenting them. I think she might be right, and I am really trying to like myself more… but after dating for so long, if nobody likes me, how can I like myself? What is there to like?
I don´t know if this has happened to you, probably not. I bet you are smart, and kind, and pretty. I bet you have wonderful friends and a partner who looks after you. I wish I could feel that way, but I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is ugly. Ugly body, ugly person. Although I try to care for others and I pretend to do so, it’s exhausting sometimes. Of course, nobody likes me. That´s why I am here, I finally faced the truth. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore, I wanted to be worthy, I wanted to be loved.
No wonder Torrance finally let go. I just wasn´t enough for him. I tried so hard; I put everything I had into that relationship. I guess it wasn´t enough. I wasn´t enough.
I suppose it happens to all couples, that after a while, things tend to fade away. With Torrance it was like that, although when I was about to give up on us, he would do something amazing, like the time I was leaving my job and he was waiting for me, in an old classic car, in a white suit holding a bouquet of flowers. He could be so intense and over the top, and I would let myself fall for that. And I fell, hard.
(…to be continued…)
In the Middle – An International Transposition (Fiction)
Introduction to In the Middle – An International Transposition, edited by Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey
January: Forgetting – Turkey, by Seyit Ali Dastan
February: The Unreal in Real – Armenia, by Armine Asryan
March: Catching Water – Argentina, by Javier Gómez
April: Unwanted – South Africa, by Toni Wallis
May: House with a Stucco Ship – Ukraine, by Gennady Bondarenko
June: A Girl Pedaling – Cuba, by Marilin Guerrero Casas
July: The Last Day – Poland, by Pawel Awdejuk
August: Through my Hands – Venezuela, by Veronica Cordido
September: Amelia’s Euphemism – Spain, by Jonay Quintero Hernández
October: Until Love Do Us Part – Uruguay, by Alejandra Baccino
November: A Journey to the Edge – Lebanon, by Rayan Harake
December: I Used to Smoke – Russia, by Kate Korneeva
Background – Context
Peripatetic Alterity: A Philosophical Treatise on the Spectrum of Being – Romantics and Pragmatists by Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)
La Syncrétion of Polarization and Extremes Transposée, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)
The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2018)
L’anthologie of Global Instability Transpuesta, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2017)
From Wahnsinnig to the Loony Bin: German and Russian Stories Transposed to Modern-day America, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2013)
More work by Alejandra Baccino
Adventure – Alejandra Baccino
Polarization within Ourselves – Alejandra Baccino
Emblems and stories on the international community
Perception by country – Transposing emblems, articles, short stories and reports from around the world
Cover photo: Montevideo, Uruguay – Parque rodo park – DFLC Prints (Shutterstock)
Source: The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed