I had dreamed of becoming a mother since my twenties. So, it had taken a long time to get pregnant. The pregnancy period, actually, was definitely the best time I ever had in my life. It was truly amazing. Just imagine a young woman in love and finally feeling a baby moving inside her. That was the happiness! I remember one episode when I indeed felt how powerful and important I was, and all women are because we, women, bring life into this world. We carry and give birth to children. It was an insight. I felt like I wasn’t standing on the ground, like all the rest was not so important. There was not a hint of dominance or superiority. There was a lot of dignity and respect in that feeling. At that moment I understood why men had to compete and prove to themselves and others that they were worthy. We, women, don’t have to prove anything to anybody because we give birth to new lives. Genuinely, women don’t have to compete, we are meant to cooperate and support each other. And of course, we need to be protected by men to feel safe, calm and balanced. We need men safeguarding us as the sources of life, men preserving life itself. So at that moment I felt relaxed and balanced. I was simply happy.
Everything changed right after I gave birth to Simon. My partner showed his real face and character. He changed. And I stumbled. His behavior influenced me greatly – I lost myself; I left my path, and started making mistakes. I drifted into the deep well of pain, guilt and madness. I couldn’t follow my dream of just kissing and hugging my baby and not taking to heart the other events happening in my life just because life is too short and children grow fast, and we have to catch time. But I couldn’t. I failed at it. And I regret that it wasn’t like that. I know it couldn’t be. Nobody can be the perfect mother. Neither could I. We are all just humans. We all make mistakes. I really regret not feeling and understanding the importance of the role of mother I’d been given. I wish I knew the things I know now about children, about how much parents and especially mothers influence the identity and future of our babies. I wish I knew how deep all our emotions, behavior and mindsets are imprinted and projected onto our sons and daughters when they are infants, babies and toddlers. The extent to which we are responsible for our children is so enormous that it simply cannot be measured. When they are small, they are so fragile and vulnerable. We all, as parents, are entrusted with creatures to whom we, their parents, are simply gods, universes, and just EVERYTHING. I wish I knew the things I’ve learned, but I didn’t. Now, it’s too late. I feel guilty for not knowing, for following the wrong path and making mistakes which I at least dared to recognize and correct if it was still possible. I am so sorry and I still cry. We invite our children to this world, give birth to them and… we are sometimes not qualified enough for this mission. At least I was definitely not. I am so sorry, so desperately sorry for not having wisdom and not listening to my inner voice telling me when I did something wrong. I love my son so much. He is my sun, my world, my universe, my everything. How could I make so many mistakes as his mother? How? Why? I myself was too childish and full of so much unrevealed and overwhelming pain that I wasn’t aware of. Several years passed before I could take myself by the hair and drag myself out of the dark abyss into light, life and understanding.
What now? Now I cry and regret. I cannot forgive myself for being too demanding and strict to my little son. I thought that I should become a strict father to him because I was a single parent, and if I were too soft and tender to him, he would grow up spineless, defenseless, milk-and-water… I was terribly, terribly wrong. I had good intentions. I just wanted to make a man out of him. I thought that was the best way to do it. I wanted him to become a real masculine adult. But actually, I tried to make him become a perfect being with the attributes belonging to a partner I had never had and will never ever meet because no human is perfect. That was the trick. And now I know it. I wish I had known it at that time. So, sometimes I have my personal hell here, on Earth, and right now, for several years, I have faced the truth and gained some knowledge. Maybe I am too strict with myself. Will I ever forgive myself? I hope so.
(…to be continued…)
Series – Evanescent
January: If Something Can Go Wrong…It Will – Jonay Quintero Hernández (Spain)
February: The Planet of Pleasure – Nane Sevunts (Armine Asryan) (Armenia)
March: Evening with Jackie Chan – Gennady Bondarenko (Ukraine)
April: Vuvuzelas, Walkie-Talkies and Madiba Magic – Sarah-Leah Pimentel (South Africa)
May: Remembering – Seyit Ali Dastan (Turkey)
June: 5-4-3-2-1 – Talia Stotts (America)
July: Getting Ready for Newborns – Marilin Guerrero Casas (Cuba)
August: Regrets – Kate Korneeva (Russia)
September: A Hollow Pursuit – Diana Haidar (Syria)
October: The Test – Alejandra Baccino (Uruguay)
November: A Life Rekindled – Lauren Voaden (United Kingdom)
December: Translation Perfect – Zhang Lu (China)
Special: Catching Water III – Javier Gomez (Argentina)
Background – Context
Transadaptation Volume 2: Conceived – Childhood Transadapted, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2021)
Transadaptation Volume 1: In the Middle – Prelude to a Contemporary Transadaptation, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2020)
Peripatetic Alterity: A Philosophical Treatise on the Spectrum of Being – Romantics and Pragmatists by Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)
La Syncrétion of Polarization and Extremes Transposée, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)
The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2018)
L’anthologie of Global Instability Transpuesta, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2017)
From Wahnsinnig to the Loony Bin: German and Russian Stories Transposed to Modern-day America, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2013)
Emblems and stories on the international community
Perception by country – Transposing emblems, articles, short stories and reports from around the world
Credits
Cover photo: Chelyabinsk, Russia – Lenin avenue – ProjectXen (Shutterstock)
Source: The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed