I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to that period and live it differently. Do you want to know what I would do differently? I would kiss and hug my son no matter what was happening around me, no matter who acted how. Instead of falling deep into despair and being unable to accept the facts, I would try to live out the feelings and free myself from the burden of anger and despair. I would ask for help to heal my wounds. I would bring my trauma to professionals to give my baby a more self-aware and healthy mother capable of bringing more light, love and tenderness to his childhood and my motherhood. That is what I would have done if I could.
No time machine. No chance to change the past. All I have and can do is live my life now in a more conscientious, responsible and happy manner. And so I will make my son happier too.
And there is one more thing I have to share with you. He is partly accountable for everything that has happened and is happening to our son, although he doesn’t do anything, ignores him, stays away, doesn’t call or come, doesn’t communicate, discuss, ask… I am not the only parent. He is also a parent, his father, whatever he does or doesn’t do. We may not be together, yet we are both still the parents of Simon. Although he has my last name, Simon is your son too. Whatever happens, there is his contribution even if he doesn’t contribute at all. It doesn’t matter because we will always be the parents. I didn’t realize that before. For a long time, I took full responsibility. That was terribly wrong. So, my dear, take your share of the responsibility for our son. I am giving it back to you, although you may not be able to or want to take it. Let’s share it and make it fair.
There is another thing I regret. It’s a bit ambiguous, I know. I know because there are two sides to the coin. Still, I sometimes regret that I chose that exact father for my son. My poor little boy deserves a better father, a more loving one, more attentive and close. Why? Why has he got him as a dad? I know he needs more love, more time and attention, more guidance and more to see, learn and follow in order to become a man. Following parents is so essential for children. They need patterns to learn and reproduce in their lives. But here I can do nothing else. I cannot change him. He is what he is and will always remain. I don’t have a time machine to go back to the past and stop myself from going too deep into that relationship. The other side of the coin is destiny, as I call it. Who knows, maybe, if I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have become a mother? What if I fell in love with somebody else and I didn’t have such a beautiful son? It’s not that easy.
Sometimes I accept this fact, but sometimes I object. It hurts me deeply when he doesn’t show up as a father. It hurts me when he doesn’t pay attention to our son, when he seems to be cold-blooded. And it hurts me most when I see my son suffering from his father’s negligence and indifference. These two things seem the most painful to me. I really suffer from watching what my son has to go through all this time. It is hard to recognize that. I have cried an ocean of tears feeling this pain as a mother. I’ve been trying to find answers to millions of questions why: Why isn’t he the father I want my son to have? Why doesn’t he realize how important he is and how much our son needs him? Why is he not a good and caring father?… and many, many others. It took me years before I found the answer: despite having three children already, he has yet to become a father. Yes, that’s it. Three women gave birth to his three children, and it means almost nothing. This level, the level of fatherhood, has not been passed and not even been entered by him! He is not yet a father. This hurts me. I am so sorry for that. And again, I can do nothing. I cannot change it and cannot alter him. Until I accept this and obey, I will go back to my regrets about my son having this father. And I know that at the time I was unable to find a different person for a relationship and a child. I was different. I was exactly the person to choose exactly that partner. No time machine. Only regrets.
(…to be continued…)
Series – Evanescent
January: If Something Can Go Wrong…It Will – Jonay Quintero Hernández (Spain)
February: The Planet of Pleasure – Nane Sevunts (Armine Asryan) (Armenia)
March: Evening with Jackie Chan – Gennady Bondarenko (Ukraine)
April: Vuvuzelas, Walkie-Talkies and Madiba Magic – Sarah-Leah Pimentel (South Africa)
May: Remembering – Seyit Ali Dastan (Turkey)
June: 5-4-3-2-1 – Talia Stotts (America)
July: Getting Ready for Newborns – Marilin Guerrero Casas (Cuba)
August: Regrets – Kate Korneeva (Russia)
September: A Hollow Pursuit – Diana Haidar (Syria)
October: The Test – Alejandra Baccino (Uruguay)
November: A Life Rekindled – Lauren Voaden (United Kingdom)
December: Translation Perfect – Zhang Lu (China)
Special: Catching Water III – Javier Gomez (Argentina)
Background – Context
Transadaptation Volume 2: Conceived – Childhood Transadapted, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2021)
Transadaptation Volume 1: In the Middle – Prelude to a Contemporary Transadaptation, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2020)
Peripatetic Alterity: A Philosophical Treatise on the Spectrum of Being – Romantics and Pragmatists by Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)
La Syncrétion of Polarization and Extremes Transposée, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)
The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2018)
L’anthologie of Global Instability Transpuesta, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2017)
From Wahnsinnig to the Loony Bin: German and Russian Stories Transposed to Modern-day America, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2013)
Emblems and stories on the international community
Perception by country – Transposing emblems, articles, short stories and reports from around the world
Cover photo: Chelyabinsk, Russia – Lenin avenue – ProjectXen (Shutterstock)
Source: The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed