I now know for sure I have a fear of close relationships. I don’t feel it in the sense of being scared or frightened. It is deep in my mind and unconsciousness. In my case, it is about not having a relationship with a man; it is about not having sex because having sex can result in a relationship. And a relationship can be dangerous because it can end up with… pain. I don’t want to break up again and feel the immense pain I went through for so long and felt so deeply. So, I am single. I desperately want it to be different, but deep inside I am very sad because I don’t believe that I can be a happy woman. I don’t believe that I am worthy of being a woman for my man. And the true reason is that I feel I am bad, not good enough for a good man. Nobody can embrace me and hug. Psychotherapists will say that it looks like I’m interested in a parent rather than a partner. Yes, sure, I want to have an ideal partner; read it as I want a parental relationship with a parental figure that will accept me all over, love me all over, and the two of us will be happy. And I am afraid of troubles, mismatching, misunderstanding, rejection and a breakup. This is the worst, a painful breakup. So, I avoid. I avoid getting too close, too deep; I even avoid approaching and getting acquainted. Of course, this is the road to nowhere, yes, that’s it and it’s clear. But for now, I can do nothing else. And, frankly speaking, I consider myself a loser because I have never been married and I am single now. I know it’s not true, but it feels like I’ve always been alone and lonely, and nobody has ever cared about me. It comes from both my childhood and the experience with my son’s father.
And I really feel compassion for that girl who had to go through pain, denial and despair many years ago, who survived, managed to overcome, but lost so much along that way. She was so kind, so beautiful and so vulnerable; she was not taught to ask for help and take proper care of herself. She was so not ready for that kind of breakup.
A lot changed from that time, but I sometimes still regret she had to go through that. It was a tough lesson. When looking at the pictures of that time where she was smiling sitting next to him and looking at him with love, I cried for myself so many times. And I regret I had to pass through all those things. If I had a time machine, I would go back and tell myself to pay less attention to the things, I would hug myself, cry alone day and night, comforting myself and explaining the reasons why. I may just regret and feel sorry for that experience I had to pass through.
There is one more confession – something I regret and feel sad about. I must admit that I regret being single during my best years. (What if my best years are yet to come?..) I am now 41 and I feel I am getting older and my body is changing, I notice signs of aging and it makes me feel sad, like I’ve been losing my youth and best years of my life. Like, in being single, I’ve been just wasting my life. I feel pain when I think that I could have had a husband, a real partner, and could have been a woman for my man. But I know I couldn’t. It did not happen, and each day I have less and less time ahead, I have fewer chances to meet a person and live together, heading into the sunset together.
I regret I am a mother of only one child, I will not probably become a mother of two. I wish I had one son and another child, a daughter or another son. But time is passing every minute, every day the chances decrease.
It’s a strange phenomenon when somebody looks like they’re reading your thoughts. Yesterday evening my son asked me what I would change if I were younger and didn’t have him. Yesterday I worked on this text. Did he know that? Of course not. Did he feel it? I don’t know.
Despite all my regrets, I would change nothing but one thing – I would treat my little son in a more responsible way – with more patience, more tender care, more acceptance, more kisses and hugs appreciating and cherishing the mother-and-child union. I would live through my motherhood and his childhood with more wisdom as I do it now. This is what I wish for all of us – women and men – love, feeling love, cherishing what is between you and the ones you love because it will end for all of us one day anyway.
Series – Evanescent
January: If Something Can Go Wrong…It Will – Jonay Quintero Hernández (Spain)
February: The Planet of Pleasure – Nane Sevunts (Armine Asryan) (Armenia)
March: Evening with Jackie Chan – Gennady Bondarenko (Ukraine)
April: Vuvuzelas, Walkie-Talkies and Madiba Magic – Sarah-Leah Pimentel (South Africa)
May: Remembering – Seyit Ali Dastan (Turkey)
June: 5-4-3-2-1 – Talia Stotts (America)
July: Getting Ready for Newborns – Marilin Guerrero Casas (Cuba)
August: Regrets – Kate Korneeva (Russia)
September: A Hollow Pursuit – Diana Haidar (Syria)
October: The Test – Alejandra Baccino (Uruguay)
November: A Life Rekindled – Lauren Voaden (United Kingdom)
December: Translation Perfect – Zhang Lu (China)
Special: Catching Water III – Javier Gomez (Argentina)
Background – Context
Transadaptation Volume 2: Conceived – Childhood Transadapted, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2021)
Transadaptation Volume 1: In the Middle – Prelude to a Contemporary Transadaptation, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2020)
Peripatetic Alterity: A Philosophical Treatise on the Spectrum of Being – Romantics and Pragmatists by Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)
La Syncrétion of Polarization and Extremes Transposée, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2019)
The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2018)
L’anthologie of Global Instability Transpuesta, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2017)
From Wahnsinnig to the Loony Bin: German and Russian Stories Transposed to Modern-day America, (eds.) Angelika Friedrich, Yuri Smirnov and Henry Whittlesey (2013)
Emblems and stories on the international community
Perception by country – Transposing emblems, articles, short stories and reports from around the world
Cover photo: Chelyabinsk, Russia – Sun reflected – Mikhail Galyshev (Shutterstock)
Source: The Codex of Uncertainty Transposed